As with many Londoners I spend a great deal of time on public transport.
Were I differ from many is that I absolutely love it. Granted I have little desire to be riding on the Northern Line at 6pm crushed between tired commuters and the sliding doors. Nor do I enjoy the odour that comes along with this and the distinct shudder it gives you when someone’s day old warm breath hits you right in the face.
But during my Journey into central London every day, I have the joy of a 30 minute overground train. The time is my time. I try to find a small two-seater forward facing location tucked away from everyone else. I rest my head on the window and place my headphones in my ears. I love watching as the world rushes by next to me, I love the short glimpses into peoples lives as we briefly stop at different stations and I get to see them, just for a second, on their phones or in deep conversation.
Today was a wonderful journey. I was not bothered throughout my journey by anyone, which is always a bonus. Today’s playlist was a compilation of acoustic love songs. I would close my eyes from time to time and let the words soak into your subconscious. In this almost dream like place it is impossible not to relate the words you hear to your own experiences. Today, thoughts of my life in Japan came flooding back, thoughts of my previous relationship, and memories of the events that occurred.
I was so happy with the way I was feeling. To my own shock I did not get the same sense of emptiness I have been feeling previously. Nor did my resentments or general upset over the hand I have been dealt rear their heads. A quiet contentment came over me; I smiled as I thought of how happy I had been and how much I loved him. As the track changed to a more aggressive one based around a bad breakup I thought of all the problems we had glossed over in our time together. You see, looking back on any situation that you aren’t ready to leave you will only see the positives. Today I saw everything. And it felt amazing.
I feel like on today’s journey I really reached a turning point. I am so happy to have met someone and fallen in love. Before this I had no desire to be attached to anyone nor could I truly comprehend the idea of this level of emotion. I am so grateful for this relationship at such a pivotal moment in my life, I feel like I’m on the brink of a major change and I’m not sure what it is. But I know the skills I learned and the experiences I had will never be forgotten. I have now learned how to love. I’m truly excited for the future…
…This may all change tomorrow. As I mentioned in an earlier post, my indecision and fickle commitment to any feeling or decision are character traits I’m unlikely to lose.
But today, thinking of what I had.