I have always feared other people’s opinions. Granted this is a tad ridiculous given that I ramble on about my own viewpoints like an inspired prophet. I care what people think. I want people to admire me and talk about me in a positive way. For a long time this has driven me in terms of my career and goals i set. At the end of last year I hit a wall. I knew that I would never reach the expectations I imagined people had of me because I was setting the parameter.
Dancing was never about performance. At least I now know it wasn’t. I have realized it was about awe and success. I want to impress to be the best at something.
Growing up it was my passion because it was just myself, the only boy in the Village Hall Dance School getting applauded for simply having a penis and having a vague aptitude for rhythm and physical expression. However in the real world, at least in the world I love. I’m surrounded by Dancers, Actors, Artists and Singers that are both less talented than I am and greatly more talented.
My inability to match the success of many of my peers has definitely tarnished some of the joy in performing. If I’m doing it, I want the praise and the wonder. I want people to think I’m successful however I also do not possess the ability to narcissistically brag and over compensate. Through experience I have learned that this last point is nearly mandatory in an industry that is so much based on networking and ‘who you know’.
I have moved away from performing in the last six months to simply do something else. Many people may look at this as defeat. They may look at think it is the plight of another young person who can’t accept limited success and thus quits in order to avoid failure.
In my head I know I can dance and move to music but I don’t feel like that is all. I can also tell stories, write and have an eye for cinematography. I highlighted one aspect of my artistic skill for 15 years. I popped all my eggs in one basket when in fact; I know I’m ‘the best’ at something. Why not simply pursue success in my own way? Why not evolve and develop? Why not think and be heard?
No good reason I can see.