Hi. My Name is Martin and I’m a Jealous Person.

I have always thought that most people feel this way. That when everyone is jumping for joy at someone else’s good fortune, they were simply disguising their deep-rooted annoyance at being outdone. The more I look at other people, the more I realize that maybe this is not true. I don’t think there are that many good actors in the world. And if they were such good actors perhaps they would not be wallowing in the ‘not quite made it’ pile with me.

Upon realizing that perhaps I had a jealousy issue I started to look at the things I was jealous of. I created an extensive yet not fully exhausted list. Obviously things such as another person achieving goals and dreams I have should give a natural pinch however, I have been known to be jealous of things I’m not even striving for.

During the Olympics I was riddled with resentment for Tom Daley. He had an amazing body and everyone loved him. Although I have never used a diving board other than to complete my highly elaborate cannon balls as a child I was adamant he was stealing my thunder with his skill. When he finally came out as a gay man I was truly pissed… he’s a better gay than me!!!

Sometimes I scroll through old pictures of myself from happy times and receive the same pangs. “Look how happy I was. My hair was so nice then. I wish I were doing that now. I’ll never be that successful again.” I can never seem to make the connection to my current self and the one in the shot, thus I end up closing the laptop and basking in self-pity for the curse that is time.

I knew things had gotten to far when I glanced at our garden gnome and thought… “You cheeky little fucker! Look how happy you are! I wish I could stand around all day and simultaneously look cool whilst pulling off an Orange Hat and Lederhosen.”

I mean I know jealousy is healthy; it can certainly help drive a person. But I don’t need to be driven, that has never been a weakness for me. I think I just need to be a bit selective with my rage.

So know when I hear of someone doing well I ask myself three questions;

  1. Is this my goal?
  2. Have they worked hard for this?
  3. Are they an asshole that doesn’t deserve it?

I will accept the answers in the following format only;

  1. No
  2. Yes
  3. No…

(I will occasionally make exceptions for number 1 if I really like the person)

Outside of that I am going to just let the Green-eyed Monster have his way with me…

…We can’t all be perfect. But I’m definitely Jealous of those who are.


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