“Excuse me, how many calories are you expecting me to live on?” 2500 a day is simply not enough. I go through more than that by 10am simply because London Bridge Station hosts both an Upper Crust and a Krispy Crème. I have also recently realized that a tub of Ben & Jerry’s contains 1000 calories and although I have yet to demolish more than one in a day I don’t like the idea of being told, under no circumstances are you to eat more than two.

My work colleague Maria and I spend a good proportion of our working lives in debate over healthy choices and new fad diets. You see Maria is what you call a beauty. Everyone wants to be served by her. She has outward confidence that only comes from looking good and feeling good from the inside out. Whereas I have a sharp tongue and skeptical outlook and have been described using the term ‘Skinny Fat’ on more than one occasion.

I like to keep her around as she has very little filter and will often let me know when I have put on weight. This is always useful as I (and I’m sure many of you) often try to fool myself into thinking I’m rocking washboard abs verses the reality of washerwomen arms. She gives me helpful advice and products to try from Matcha Tea to Juice diets.

If I am in between shifts and sitting at the back of the restaurant wolfing down a burger and fries. It is almost guaranteed that she will spring up (even if she isn’t working that day) and inform me of my poor dietary choice or simply give me her signature ‘look’ which translates roughly to “Oh, Love…” in a condescending tone.

I have tremendous food guilt and shame when I am near her health conscious and model like body…

…For that I am thankful.

I always intend to get fit. At least twice a year I have a realization, perhaps I would be a lot happier rocking a large Pectoral Muscle or two and that living with consistent ‘Puppy Fat’ was not Ideal. I inform all my friends that I am making a huge lifestyle change and they all must support me. Unfortunately they have all heard this one to many times; they call it my Fat Chat and usually just role their eyes, Nod then agree. I make a list of how I will achieve this that almost always looks the same.

  1. Change Diet.
  2. Get Fit
  3. Take new portfolio pictures before I get fat again.

Issues lie in the fact that I have no concept of what is a balanced diet. This isn’t entirely my fault as I feel there are so many mixed online reports regarding healthy eating and the best articles are usually pay to read or ‘Order the book now!’

Side Note: There is nothing I hate more than when I think I’m being healthy and eating an Avocado with a spoon and someone chirps in with “You know Avocados are super fatty”… I have been known on occasion to launch said Avocado and the person.

Secondly I will sign up to a brand new Gym as I am too shameful to return to my previous haunt. I’m convinced that all the trainers are sitting around bitching about my lack of devotion. In reality, as I had been to the Club twice in my 8 Month membership it’s unlikely they knew I existed.

I’m writing this as I can feel it coming, The Fat Chat.

I recently did a detox tea program for two weeks. It did not make me loose any weight, partly because I did not follow the ‘Must be used alongside a balanced diet and regular exercise’ Part. I did however become far more regular as it had a rather distinct laxative effect. This resulted in a slightly flatter stomach and a tad more body confidence that I hadn’t felt in a while.

I guess it’s true that when you look good you feel good. So here we go again…

1.Change Diet

2.Get Fit

3.Be skinny enough to look like my old portfolio pictures… I’m not made of money.

Final Not: I purchased the doughnut in the picture just after i wrote this. This was meant to be simply a prop Doughnut to act as an image for this post. I later ate the Doughnut.


4 Comment on “The Fat Chat.

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